Back from dance, and whoa, just one month of not doing warm ups made my whole body stiff. Going to work super hard on the bridges and splits again. :>
Well, i didn't pay much attention in class today. Instead, i staring into thin air. Its like sleeping with your eyes open hahah. Had art lesson today. I ABSOLUTELY HATE DRAWING.
I wasn't in a very good mood today, but hanna, kat and haqqan and many others cheered me up. :>
I'm kind of confused now. But i think i'll get over it in a while.
Finally relieved of my piano duties. Whoa, HAPPY. :>
School was boring. Like whoa.
Went to school with a heavy head. Sleepyness + Headache. Had attire check. Got caught for not putting on my nametag and my BLACK EARRINGS. PLEASE, They're already black, be thankful they're not the bright green ones i wore last term. Thank God teacher didn't care much and asked me to sit down. New timetable. Now i have to take art, design and technology. Whoopee. -sarcastic look-
Had PC lesson till 3 today. Was very tired, but still went out.
Well, this week's gonna be a long long week. Lessons and ccas almost everyday. Okay, i shall go and kill myself now.
Since you don't even care about how i feel, i won't too. Don't blame me for being heartless or cruel. You asked for it. I may act dumb about certain things, but that doesn't mean i don't know. Do you think its so easy to pluck that thorn out from my heart?
I miss my holidays. I miss youth camp. I miss the fun and laughters we all shared.
I want to be a kid. I want to play on the swings.
Saturday:
Went out with nat, char, whit and jenn! :> Daddy sent me to lotone interchange at 11 plus. Jenn called me to say she was going to be late so i went to cotton on to shop hahah. Bought a blouse, dress and a pair of sandals! (Y) Jenn and whitney came to join me while waiting for nat and char. Mrt-ed to Causeway point. Laughed alot hahah. :> Ate at pastamania. Gave jenn half of my pasta and she finished it all whoa. Nat took pictures:) Went shopping again after that. Bought a necklace. :> Went to more than words and saw something. We bought it for someone hahah. Whitney left and we mrt-ed back to lotone. Jenn and i bought rings. :> shopped for awhile before going back to yewtee for tuition.
Sunday:
Stayed up late the previous night so woke up at 8.30. Prepared for church and daddy fetched me there. Had treasure hunting! :> Grouped with nat and whitney! We followed this auntie till sunshine place there. Bought bubble tea before going back to church. Saw daddy's car so asked him to drive us back. :> Poor mr choo, walked back himself because there was no more space left in the car. Had debrief. Nat left aft that. Service was okay. Had terrible headache. Well, here i am now.
I miss you alot alot. ):
I MISS EVERYTHING AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! ):
I'm in great agony.
God, HELP.
I want to go shopping. Buy loads of clothes. Maybe that'll cheer me up. or not.
This few days, i've been crying while playing christians songs on the guitar.
I'm feeling a mix of emotions now. (something like that)
Youth camp's over. I don't want to go back to school. How i wish youth camp was just tomorrow. All that eagerness and excitement about the youth camp ended last tuesday. And last wed and thur, were two of the best days of my life. We had lots of fun and laughter. Oh God, i so want another one.
Well, going to spend the last few days of my holiday meaningfully.
I love my blog song. It made me cry buckets. Enjoy it.
I still miss youth camp. ):
I get really afraid when i don't know what you're thinking.
I don't care what they say, i'm in love with you.
They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth.
I'm afraid, really afraid.
I can't take anymore blows.
Well, today was awesome but yes, i'm still missing youth camp BIG TIME. Like why did it pass so fast? It should have been longer, like 5days 4nights? Whoa, that would be the best 5 days of my entire life. Seriously. Maybe we should tell mr choo about this suggestion. Haha, hope he agrees. Okay, back to today.
Went out with nat and charlene today. Met them at lotone mrt station. Mrt-ed to clementi for kbox. We were like the first ones there. Sang some songs. The food, was horrible. My whole mind was filled with, uh, something/someone and i couldn't focuse at all. I waited and waited. And when it finally came, my whole face lit up and i got quite hyper:) left there at 2 then cabbed to jurong east swimming complex. It was closed. Great. Walked back to chinese garden mrt. Took the wrong train. Decided to go back to nat's house to swim. We kind of had fun swimming? And i got my hair wet in the end. Went to lotone then back to nat's house again. Talked about youth camp. Yeah, we should consider extending the camp?
Oh yeah, texted with haqqan today and he gave me alot of advice. Well thanks? And don't emo please, i hate it when you emo. ):
I just hope my birthday wish will come true. (God, please?)
My eyes hurt like shit now.
I really want time to rewind.
If this continues, i'm afraid i might go crazy.
Sleepless nights.
Been forcing myself to smile through the pain.
Shouted at grandma ytd, because she kept pestering me to eat.
I'm sorry, but i was really in a bad mood ytd.
There was just too much unhappiness and anger bottled up inside of me, waiting for the chance to explode.
I've been getting silly thoughts to hurt or kill myself.
I'm sorry, God.
But i really can't do it.
I won't disobey them, but i'll reason it out with them.
I hope God likes this idea of mine.
God, why can't you just let me give up.
Why must you make me hold on to this.
Why can't i just accept the fact.
I want to give up too, but i just can't do it. YOU UNDERSTAND?
You make it sound so easy.
It means you don't care at all.
I hate it when you always go back on your words.
I hate it when you say i don't love you at all.
Fine, i did all that to you before, so is this revenge?
Is hurting people what you do best?
I can't do it. I really can't.
If you can do it, congrats.
That means you don't even give a damn about how people feel.
You have feelings, and i do too.
You only know how assume. ASSUME ASSUME ASSUME.
Assume that i don't love you when i don't say it back to you.
Assume that i don't trust you when i ask you further.
Assume that i won't be hurt if you do this.
Tell me, what must i do to make you stop doing this?
Must i kill myself in front of you?
One word from him, and you WAVERED.
WHY?
And i'm not blaming you now.
I'm sorry for saying all this, you were the one who told me to tell you everything.
So here's everything.
I cried alot today. Especially while playing the 1st verse of song "same power".
I better stop biting myself.
But what can i vent my anger on?
Nobody except myself.
There is a love that i know.
A strength for the weak and the broken heart.
My shepherd and king, i find you within me.
For you are here.
My Lord forever.
You are here.
Nothing's forever. I knew this would happen. It was just a matter of time. I still can't believe what i heard from mr choo. I tried hard to stay stubborn. Kept saying i trusted you and i knew that you could control yourself. But what really hurt me wasn't him. It was you.
I didn't want to believe him when he said you weren't very trustworthy. I tried hard to defend you. But every single word he said about you, hurt me deeply. I wanted to cry, but had to force myself to blink it back. Why must they do this? I'm tired, really tired. Since torturing me makes you feel better/happier, continue torturing me then. I've got nothing to say. I feel so stupid now. Believing your words, that nothing could break us up. Just an word from him, and you wavered. How do you expect me to believe you again? Lies, all lies.
Many things happened during youth camp, which made me slow down and think, if i made the right choice.
I'm becoming someone i don't want to be.
I can't take all these blows anymore.
One more time, i think i'm going to go insane.
This, is going to be a very very very long post. So err, happy reading.
It's a MUST READ :)
16062010: Woke up at 7 plus. Daddy brought me to grandma's place. Did some last minute packing before meeting nat, char and whit. Went up to her house, took the ingredients and off we went to meet charlene! We signalled at her to come over, but she thought we were waving at her, and she waved back. LOL. It was raining heavily at that time, so nat's mommie volunteered to fetch us to sunshine then drop the ingredients at kindergarten. Went to sunshine place to get sleeping bags for nat and charlene. Nat's slippers so slippery, she almost fell. Luckily charlene lent nat her slippers. :> Walked to church then went over to the kindergarten to collect the ingredients. Walked over to church again to take our bags. We boarded the bus at arnd one plus. Fetched ambrose and yeeyang along the way. Was chatting with jenn, amelia, char, nat and whit. Reached there, found out that it was the exact same place we went for youth camp last year. Same unit somemore. omg. And yes, i slept in the same room i slept last year. Went down for briefing. Had games! First game about creating something to prevent the egg from breaking when thrown down from 2nd floor. We broke the egg while wrapping it. Yeele gave us another oneand we spent alot of time making a protective layer. And guess what, it still broke. Lucky us, they forgot about the forfeit. :> We went to the beach after that and i got like really wet from all that splashing. FUN! Jenn made dinner after that and we went to play with the swings! Went to disturb her haha. Her sushi and cold noodles were super nice. Had discussion. Screamed and laughed ALOT. haha jk. Whitney so cute, the moment she laugh, i laughed. Then my nai ma saw a super big lizard and shouted. Well, i screamed really loud and ran. Amelia and nat got shocked by my screaming,they also started to scream and run LOL! Discussion ended at 10 plus. Bathed and brushed teeth. Amelia and jenn came to our room and we chatted for awhile. Entertainment session by nat. Omg, all of us laughed really hard:) At arnd 11, mrs choo came in and forced us to sleep. (reluctant) We slept with the lights on haha. Nat stared at me, i stared back, and we laughed :> Charlene sleeps so cute! Well, end of day one.
17062010:
Woke up at 4 plus. The stomach cramps were killing me. Charlene and nat wanted to use the toilet downstairs. (the one upstairs stank. One of the guys had bad aiming) Opened the door, an insect flew into our room. We screamed and hid under our sleeping bags. Called nai ma to wake up at arnd 5. She came into our room and we chatted again. :> Jenn told us jason and ambrose were downstairs, so we went down. Chatted with them in the dark(we didnt switch on the lights). We got hungry, so decided to go disturb the guys. The door was open anyway. Nat sat outside the door haha. But in the end, someone came to close the door. At arnd 7, they woke up to make breakfast. (like finally) Didnt eat much. Went for morning exercise after that and we played poison ball! :> Had worship after that then discussion. We started cooking lunch at 11. The kitchen was like super messy. The soup was a success but the fried rice had no taste. Added lots of soya sauce to it. Whoa. There was not enough rice for everyone. (Oops) Sorry Mr Choo. Haha, he ate bread with pork floss and mayo for lunch. Got pissed, so ate 2 sticks of ice cream to cool down. Went for treasure hunt at pasir ris park! Found the man we were looking for. Weixiao and whit talked to him while nat char and i went to play! It was super fun. Went back to the chalet. Haha bought green tea, then ate ice cream. (again) Played with the swings again! And got alot of mozzie bites. Prepared for the bbq. The guys were outside starting the fire while we sat inside, doing nothing. :> Fed joy together with nat and amelia during the bbq. She so cuteee! :> Nat took lot of unglam photos of her eating. Then the parents arrived and we did a skit on joy. Got pissed off by jonas. Wanted to play basketball but he snatched the ball away. Went to bathe after they left. Nat and whitney kept me inside the room and gave me entertainment. They gave me a surprise and yes, i'm touched. :> Got smeared with cake by yeele and nat. LOL, me and nat were like fighting. And -kabish-, she slammed her cake into my face. Hahah washed it off after that. Had discussion again. LAUGHED AGAIN. It was just too hilarious. Esp when i saw whitney laugh. Haha! Nat had severe gastric pain. Scooped chicken soup for her but the pain got worse and she cried. I was like super scared. Cooked cup noodles for her. Nai ma helped to boil the water. :> We prayed for her after that. She got better, thank God:) Continued with discussion till 1 plus before going back to our room. Wanted to chat with them again but couldn't. They were waiting for me to go back but i took quite a long time so they decided to sleep first. Came back after one hour and we continued chatting. Slept at 4 plus.
18062010:
Woke up at 7.30 so skipped morning exercise. Ate bread with nutella and ice cream! :> Chatted with them on the bus ride home.
Youth camp passed so fast.
I have to be prepared for the worst.
I'm posting this because of jenn who called me and asked why i didn't post:)
I went out with a 美女 today. Had fun tickling each other. Went for math tuition after that. Pythagora's theorem. Err. yea.
YOUTH CAMP! TMR!!!! SEE YOU GUYS TMR! :)
Went out with nat whitney amelia and jenn to buy the ingredients for camp! (Y)
Bus-ed to lot 1 at arnd 10 plus and met whitney. Called nat to come down and we went to food junction to makan. I ate fried carrot cake. (L) And yes, i got the strawberry bread today. (shit) Nat was tempting me with her f&n grape drink. Talked and laughed alot:) Bus-ed to bpp after that. Met amelia and jenn and off we went shopping at daiso and ntuc. Jenn and amelia spent like $40 plus there, whoa. We only spent $16 plus. :> Train-ed back to lot1 then bought ingredients for the soup. The things were like damn heavy. Slacked at mac. Nat and i bought the HAPPY MEAL :) Laughed alot and my tray dropped. Nat saved my toy in time haha. The man who got hit by my curry sauce was super pissed. Amelia helped me to clean the floor while nat provided the tissues. Talked till like 4 then went to cotton on. Sad, i'm dead broke. Parted with amelia and went to nat's house with jenn. Jenn broke her carton of eggs and we cooked them. Used comp before going home with jenn.
YOUTH CAMP! I'm all packed. (:
My head's spinning like crazy so i'm going to rest now. bye.
I seriously need help from God.
YOUTH CAMP! (Y) Meeting jenn first before going to meet the others at church :>
My eyes are still puffy and swollen. (kind of)
I can't take any of this anymore. One more time, i swear i'll go insane.
Bit myself ytd. At least the teethmarks are not so obvious now.
Crying does make me feel better.
Well, at least i don't feel so bad now.
God seems to be playing a trick on me.
Perhaps he wanted me to cherish you more.
I love you.
Today was awesome. I laughed alot.
Reached at 8 plus then practised piano.
Had worship, nat and i were laughing our asses off at someone:)
Walked back to church with nat, and again, we were laughing.
Watched a video, me and nat laughed.
Youth camp, laughed somemore.
Service, we laughed like nobody's business. HAHAHA.
Nat and whitney, bladder full, so went to toilet in the middle of service.
Pastor choo saw them, and yes, they got scolded.
UNFAIR LEH, the ah ma(s) and another pastor were allowed to go.
Well, today's service was awesome. (maybe)
Went home.
Something happened.
Cried.
Now my eyes are puffy and swollen.
Tomorrow going out with nat amelia whitney and jenn to get the ingredients. (Y)
I must make myself happy tomorrow.
YOUTH CAMP. (:
Went out at 3 plus ytd. Daddy was on leave and i had trouble getting out of the house.
We had a tickling war. Unfair, he was so much stronger.
Changed gender, he became my 美女 sister :>
He asked me why i liked to lean on his back more than his shoulder.
Well, i like your back better. Haha.
Went home at 6 plus then went for service.
Was using facebook all the time. (Oops)
I love daddy's phone. I'm going to bring it to tuition and use it. (maybe)
Bye.
In a bad mood today.
I won't believe in any of your words anymore. Cus they're all lies. Seriously, you didn't even bat an eyelid when you lied. WOW. How about a great applause for you? Get out of my life, you useless person.
I don't know what to say.
Well, i fed another cat again.
Was angry with someone today but kept quiet.
Gritted my teeth and smiled through the pain.
Quit asking, i won't tell you anything at anymore.
You useless person.
I must have been blind to trust you.
YOUTH CAMP! Oh God, i'm so excited. Well, i bet nat's happier cus she gets to kick me off the bed:) *HEE-YAH!* quoted by her hahahahah.
Today was awesome ttm.
Took bus to lot one and bought a blouse and jacket :>
Wanted to take 975 home, but it took like ages to come so i decided to walk home. Well, wonderful workout.
Walked all the way to sunshine place to buy bubble tea for xuan.
Rushed home to rest before going out again.
Someone gave me a big shock when i came out of the lift and i screamed. RAPIST HOR YOU. (:
We fed 3 lucky cats today with the cat food we bought from the mama shop. (:
Talked and laughed and for once, we didn't quarrel. WHOA.
Leaned on his back. (:
Changed personalities and i got freaked out. (He really did act like me, EXACTLY THE SAME WAY, -laugh-)
Well, great day for me. Thank GOD (:
Bye.
All thanks to my beloved sister, i have to wake up early again. -yawn-
I want to go shopping. My hands are like itching to touch the handles of a shopping bag. I was even dreaming of shopping ytd. Yes, i'm going crazy and broke already.
YOUTH CAMP! Having dilemma on what to cook leh.
For once, i wished we never grew up.
I'm back. And whoa, i discovered something BIG today:)
Today was awesome though i ate alittle too much, thanks to somebody who forced me to eat. -laughs-
Well, it was fun and i enjoyed it alot. I poured everything out, whatever that was troubling me over the past few days. Chatted and played till i forgot about the time. One of the best days of my life:)
My mind's been filled by YOUTH CAMP. <3
Don't walk into my life if you intend to leave me.
Couldn't sleep yesterday. -yawns-
At least i don't have to wake up early to go to school anymore. :> Well, gotta rush to somewhere now so bye.
YOUTH CAMP:)
I used to ask him, "Kor kor, can i have a lollipop please?" -toothless grin- The way he ruffled my hair, laughing then bringing me to the nearest mama shop to buy it. Well, it's all gone now.
I'm stressed and mrs ching's making me go back to school tomorrow for her math unsw lessons. I am supposed to be enjoying life now, but this word "lesson" came and took it away from me. I seriously need to hit something now. And yes, it's the wall. Well, tomorrow is the last day i'm ever going back to school for lessons during this june hoilday. Even if there's lessons after that, i ain't going back.
YOUTH CAMP, i'm soooooo excited. :>
Youth camp, faster come.
I can't stand this feeling anymore.
I'm stressed, super stressed, yet i can't tell anyone about it.
Keeping it bottled up inside is extremely painful. That excruciating pain is too hard for me to bear.
I hate you.
I'm looking forward to youth camp. In the same group as nat charlene and whitney:)
I'm also looking forward to the cooking. I soooo want to cook! :> Shall go and learn from grandma!
Bye
Went for friday service yesterday. Projector spoilt so we sang without the lyrics on screen.
Woke up at 8 plus today. Ate breakfast, watched tv.
I want to go shopping.
I'm so freaking stressed out. Save me please.
FTW.
I want to cry tomorrow.
Well, at least the picture above made me laugh.
I'm disappointed, really disappointed. Well, nothing i can do.
Perhaps, i should just kill myself, so you won't be hurt by me anymore.
Sometimes, i really got this urge to give up on you. But i chose to not to do it.
I'm sorry, but i don't think i can take it anymore.
You just don't know how much stress i'm facing now.
Went out today. Well, at the beginning, i pissed him off and i ran away a few times. I hope you're not angry. Haha, what a AMAZING discovery i made today. -laughs-
Cramps are back and it's killing me.
Just leave me alone please. Well, it never rains but pours.
I've been tolerating you for so long. I seriously hate hypocrites like you. Double-faced bitch. So what if you're rich or pretty or whatsoever? Last time, i disliked you. Now, i hate you. Stop acting nice in front of us please. -look of disgust-
Well, not going to let some bitch ruin my mood.
God likes to make fun of people like me.
Daddy fetched me and sis to school today morning. I was yawning away in the car. Reached school, kat told me she lost her phone. Some woman took her phone away by using witchcraft. Well, God will punish her, so don't worry so much:) Bus-ed to lot one with her after eng unsw lesson and we went to..yes, cotton on :> Grandma gave me $50 for my birthday and i spent it all in there. WOW. However, there's this jacket that i really want but it costs like 5o bucks. Quit dreaming about it, michelle. Went back to school after that for math unsw lessson. Mrs Ching forgot all about our class and we ended up slacking for the whole lesson. Kat went home after that and i went for dance. The new instructor's a guy, and yes, he's not GAY! :> Grazed my knees because of the rough floor. Alene junior gave me kit-kat:) I love her. Rushed home after dance and went out with him again. Urgh, my head hurts like shit now.
Daddy and Mommie's going out for the night and will be back late. Well, it means FREEDOM for me. :> I'm ready to sleep at midnight today.
I've been thinking, what if all this was just a joke?
I dare not think of the ending.
Thanks for it, but i don't think i'll wear it as i don't want any suspicions.
I'm sorry.
I want to trust you wholeheartly, but there's like a barrier stopping me from doing that.
I'll have to overcome this problem myself, only till then, i can face you.
