Heart.

2011-06-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

What more do you want from me. Have you not done enough damage. Yet you have the cheek to ask me to be your friend again?! This is ridiculous. You clearly said you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Now this?! After 3 whole months?! WHY?! I've nothing against you. You said so yourself, that you won't contact me ever again. Stop it. I'm warning you. Leave me alone. I don't want to have anything to do with a despicable liar like you.

What if.

2011-06-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

What if i said i was going to die. Would you give a damn about it?

Somehow i have this feeling that my life's going to be over.
That i'm going to get some illness and die.
No matter what kind of feeling it is, i don't want it anymore.
Its tiring me out.
Its killing me.
I can't breathe.
I can't sleep.
God, have you forgotten me?
Please, i want to live.
I want to live on.

Misery

2011-05-26T05:51:00.001-07:00

Hold me in your arms, never let me go. I want to spend eternity with you.

Got my results back. Did pretty well. Thank God.

Today was okay, went to RSAF open house at paya lebar.

Well you made my day again :) Please smile more, and i promise i'll smile more too.

Went to lotone after that.

Ate at LJS with amitayus and likitha. Had a great time gossiping with them.

Dad fetched me to tuition after that.

I will praise God all my life.

Today.

2011-05-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

2011-05-22T06:06:00.000-07:00

It breaks my heart whenever i see you sad. Please, stop doing this to yourself. She doesn't deserve you, so stop hurting yourself. Please, i beg you.

2011-05-20T23:01:00.001-07:00

Seriously can you stop being so thick skinned.
You thought it was you right.
OMG for crying out loud, it will never be you.
If you don't believe, ask him yourself. -.-
Get your facts right.
I will never leave because of you.
If i wanted to leave because of you, i would have left last november.
So please get your facts right woman.
Well i'm surprised you're still reading my blog, thought you hated me.
You weren't the cause of this okay.
But anyway, thanks for giving my mom, sis and i, 'entertainment'.
We were laughing like shit, at your foolishness.
It was simply hilarious.
I'm not trying scold you or anything, but i just want to make things right.
So, if you want to continue reading my blog, I welcome you to read it. :)
Please, don't get the wrong idea.
Its my blog, and i'm free to post whatever i want.
Lastly, i want to stress that 'she' isn't you. -.-
This has got to be the most funniest thing that has happened to me. ROFL.

2011-05-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

You gave me the strength to move on, even though i didn't deserve you at all. Thank you. :')

I cannot fathom why do i have this particular feeling whenever i see you. Hearing you call my name brings about a warm feeling inside of me. Your smile is enough to make my day and melt my misery away. Talking to you makes my heart race. Seeing you with other girls, makes my heart bleed. I'm confused. I still love him, don't i? So why am i falling for you now? No, it can't be. But why am i delirious with joy whenever people tease us by saying that we look like a couple. Whenever i'm around you, i just can't seem to think straight.
I was looking at you from afar, and our eyes met. My heart skipped a beat. I quickly turned away from you, had to fight the urge to turn around and look at your face again.

Well, i'm going to start anew. I'm going to stop thinking about him. If we weren't meant to be, then my love for him will fade away with time. It has already been 2 months, i should move on. I have great guy and girl friends, so why should i torture myself for him. Stupid me. The only silver lining is that the scars on my wrists are disappearing, just like how my love for him is fading away.

Yes, i've been reading his blog, and every read breaks my heart. 18 May will be the last time i'm reading his blog.

I'm starting anew. From now on, I'm going to study even harder. For God, and my parents. I want to show him, i'm still living, alive and kicking, even without him by my side. I can go to town myself without his accompany. I want to show him that i'm not that pathetic weakling anymore. I want to make him regret giving me up. I want his parents to know what i'm capable of.

I'm starting anew, with help from God. :)

2011-05-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well its going to be a very long update about my life.

7 March: We had another quarrel. For many nights i cried silently, not daring to let my parents know about my pain. I went to school with swollen eyes, telling everyone i didn't sleep well the night before. I couldn;t tell anyone about it. I chose this path myself. Now i have to face the consequences myself.

The quarrel continued for the next few days. I couldn't take it anymore. I chose to cut myself. I was too naive, too trusting. I thought what we had was true love. You didn't care at all. You didn't even bother to reply my texts. Again i cried. After many texts, you finally agreed to meet me.

11 March: We met after i was dismissed from dance. You told me, you wanted to break up. One moment you said you had internal bleeding, another moment you said you wanted to concentrate on your studies. I was acrimonious. They're all excuses, your excuses. You should have thought of all these befor you asked for this relationship. Yet you took me as your toy. I should have known. I should have listened to them. But there's no point crying after spilled milk. You sent me home for the last time on bus 307. You held my hand, hugged me. But it didn't last long. You then buried your head in your hands again, while i looked out of the window, frantically trying to hold back my tears. You told me to go back to him, and that you had internal bleeding, and for my future, we couldn't be together. You were so ready to let go of this relationship, it seemed as if you didn't care about me anymore. I cried, i begged you not to do it. But you didn't listen and pushed me away. I held your hand tightly, but you told me to leave you alone. I followed you, you told you were in love with another girl, and that girl was my friend. I knew you were just saying that to make me give up, but i was still hurt deeply. My mom saw the whole thing when she came downstairs, and she brought me home. As we got into the lift, tears started streaming down my face. When i reached home, i threw my books on the floor, took a knife, went into my room and locked the door. At that time,you came again. My mom answered the door. You told her a pack of lies. LIES. You twisted facts. I could hear you from my room. That was the last time i saw you. I cried in my room, cut myself again. I sacrificed so much, so much, for us. My father counselled me for a long time in my room, and again, i broke down and wept. I had let God and my parents down. All because of you.

I had to move on. I left youth group as i couldn't face her anymore. You used her. That was how despicable you were. I followed my father to Covenant, and i really enjoyed it there.

I really don't know what to say anymore. Well, people say time heals all wounds. But i don't think it willl ever heal.

I spent everyday plastering fake smiles on my face. This was a big blow to me, but i was determined not to let it affect my studies.

There were days when i missed you badly, but there were also days when i wanted so much to kill you.

Its all too confusing. I don't understand your love.

I have tried to move on, but to no avail.

It hurts me to see that you're surviving well without me.

It really hurts.

Michelle, you're so useless. STUPID FAILURE.

2010-11-19T21:23:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since i've posted.

In just 3 months, many things happened.
-Dreaded EOY, over. I did pretty well.
-Arts Ignite 2010, over. And i think the dance group did a good job.
-Streaming results. Appealed. Got into pure biology class.
-Went for youth outing in Nov. Ice skating. Was it really a youth outing with just 7 people? Compared to the last one we had in june, this one was pathetic. What happened to youth group? I don't know.
-Went to australia reluctantly. Was happy when i came back to singapore. But yet so many things happened in 6 days. I got involved in some matter that concerned him. I wasn't even in S'pore. I don't even know what happened. And because of that matter that i WASN'T involved in, friends start to hate me. Why? I don't know.

And you, If going to australia and not knowing anything about what happened offends you, i'm sorry. But i really had nothing to do with it. I didn't drag you into it. I was in australia. I couldn't even send a single text, let alone call. And if they hate me because of that matter, it's fine. If they choose to believe you, its fine too. Cause I have a clear conscience. God knows that. I'll be leaving anyway. Not because of guilt or that i did something wrong. I'm leaving cause i can't take it anymore. I've cried, hurt myself. But it isn't worth it. So i'll just let God take over.

2010-08-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

I've given up totally.
Your words aren't true at all.
I can't stand that gilb tongue of yours.
All those sweet nothings, excuses.
I shouldn't have believed you again.
Should have let you jump down the building.
Why was i so stupid to stop you.
I regret everything.
Forgiving you, is the stupidest thing i've done.
All those words, 'I will never leave you,' 'I will try to compromise, please dont leave me,' 'Don;t worry, it wont happen again.' The way you forcibly pulled me into a hug, i felt really disgusted.
Now i pity your parents for having a son like you.
As for me, i should really go kill myself for letting you touch me.

2010-08-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

You, have hurt me again and again. I can't even count the number of times i've cried over you. Now i feel so stupid. You know why? Cause you're not worth the tears at all.

YOU FUCKING LIAR. DESPICABLE CAD. BASTARD. ASSHOLE.

I've hurt my whole family, hurt God, hurt many of the people who loved me because of you. Sacrificed so many things. I regret. Seriously i regret.

I'm not afraid of letting you read this cause i'm giving you up already.

So, SCRAM.

2010-08-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

I feel really lost now. I feel like crying out loud. Shutting myself out from the world. Only way to free myself from all these, is to see blood flowing out of my wrist.

I know you won't bother reading this. But seriously, i'm pissed. Well, it was something to test you. Seeing your reaction, it turns out all the words you said to me arent true at all. You didn't mean what you said. I know you can still survive without me. You've shown me your true self. I've got nothing more to say.

2010-07-21T05:09:00.000-07:00

STRESSED.

I have been dozing off in class. Spending the whole week meaninglessly. What the hell am i doing?! I better pull up my socks and study hard. But, the problem is, i never do what i say. I'm such a pathetic failure.

1. I cut myself.
2. I don't pay attention in class.
3. I think i'm going to flunk geography. There's a test next week on so many chapters.
4. I don't understand graphs and mensuration.
5. I just feel pathetic.
6. I don't know how to write my unguided lit essay.
7. Dance is killing me.
8. It's the streaming year. If i don't buck up, i'm gonna have to bid goodbye to getting into a pure science class.

Tomorrow's going to be another hectic day with tuition and unsw lessons.

Well the tagboard's dead. Tag please!

2010-07-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

I wished i was the child in Jesus's lap.
Was searching for christian songs on youtube when i came across this song, "You were on the cross". It moved me to tears. Jesus suffered so much for us, yet i kept complaining. I never felt so guilty in my life.

He was there in all of my sufferings.
He was there, in doubt and in fear.
He was there, when i attempted to cut myself.
He was there, to catch me, whenever i fell.
He was there, when you weren't with me.
He made me know, i wasn't alone, fighting this battle.
He made me know, he was here all along.
He was on the cross, VICTORIOUS.
I love you, JESUS.

2010-07-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Now, i feel much better.

2010-07-13T04:33:00.001-07:00

If you dare to do it again, i tell you, i won't be that nice anymore. I'll go straight to the police.
You lied to us, DON'T YOU DARE TO CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN.
I really don't know what happened to you.
You were so innocent, so friendly, so bubbly.
Well, that's the past.
Look at you, changed so much.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
You resorted to despicable means, to get what you want.
Why?
I did try to stop him from doing that.
I even told him, i would rather suffer everything myself, than to see you hurt.
But he had already made up his mind, i couldn't change it.
Still, i told him not to be too harsh in his words.
But why, why did you lie to us?
I was really really shocked when you sent me that text, saying you're the one who did all that.
I hope you'll understand why i'm doing this.
Hate me all you want, i don't care.
I believe that God will make you understand why we did this.
I'm sorry.
Its not too late to repent.
I just don't want you to continue doing this.

2010-07-12T04:56:00.000-07:00

I was really tempted to cut myself just now. The things that happened today made me stop and think, if i made the right choice.

School was pretty okay. Rushed to lotone when assembly ended. Took 975, sat behind. LV came, sat beside me then took out his LOLLIPOP, and began to suck it, right in front of me. WTH.

I SAW CHARLENE!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 hahah, had lunch with her. Both of us ordered prawn mee, without eating the prawns. Went shopping after that. OMG I SO WANT THE BLACK JACKET AND THE RINGS AND THE BANGLES FROM COTTON ON. SHIT, I'VE GOT NO MONEY.

2010-07-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when i'm not sure whether i'm still alive, i cut myself.
The pain i feel, will tell me that i'm still living.

Back from church. Why can't church be like one full day? Well, i'm posting just to keep this blog alive. Bye.

I want to watch eclipse again :)

2010-07-08T04:40:00.000-07:00

Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you'll find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew Chapter 7:7

Today was okay, slept during d&t lesson.
Shared cheese fries with hanna after school.
Went back for eng unsw lesson.
Went home then daddy fetched me to tuition.
I'm practically acting like a dead person already.

She's being taken over by jealousy, she will do whatever it takes to get you. Why did she turn into this person whom i don't think i even know anymore. All i want is for you to come to your senses. It isn't too late for you to turn back.

2010-07-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

Life's miserable.
Why can't God just give me a break from all these.
If the same thing happens again, i really don't know what to do already.
What's the point of living everyday in misery?
I might as well end it, once and for all.

I NEED HELP.

2010-07-06T05:38:00.000-07:00

Phillipians chapter 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

School was okay, i wasn't in the mood anyway.

Ate takoyaki for lunch.

Went back to school for math unsw lesson. I'm totally SICK of unsw lessons already.

Bus-ed back home then went out again.

Skipped tuition, oops.

Going for make up lesson this thursday.

Well, the good thing is there's no cca tomorrow.

I'll take that extra time to finish up my d&t work.

I'm going to work really really hard for the final year exams.

I know there're many things distracting me but i'll try my best to focuse.

NO MATTER WHAT, I MUST GET INTO A PURE SCIENCE CLASS.

I made a mistake during psle, i won't let history repeat itself.

I'm drifting away from God already.

I'll never forget how he touched me during the retreat. I cried, and it felt GOOD.

I want to experience it again.

2010-07-05T02:03:00.000-07:00

I'm super stressed. At a loss. I'm as good as dead.

Had alot of fun ytd watching eclipse. Shall not elaborate.

School's tomorrow again. Dance and unsw lessons everyday. Like whoa. Well, looking forward to the friday.

2010-07-01T04:51:00.000-07:00

Do you know how it feels to be stabbed again and again on the same spot?

I'm sorry for the coldness towards you these few days, but i can't take it anymore.

This isn't the first time you're doing it already.

What's the point of apologising? Do you think it'll work?

Can i stab you in the heart, say sorry and then walk away as if nothing happened?

Since school's obviously more important, then go ahead.

I'm nobody to stop you anyway.

I've been forcing myself to smile through the pain.

I check my phone every single minute for your texts.

I've changed so much, i don't even know who i am already.

Sacrificed so many things.

What do i get in return?

Nothing.

2010-06-30T04:22:00.000-07:00

Back from dance, and whoa, just one month of not doing warm ups made my whole body stiff. Going to work super hard on the bridges and splits again. :>

Well, i didn't pay much attention in class today. Instead, i staring into thin air. Its like sleeping with your eyes open hahah. Had art lesson today. I ABSOLUTELY HATE DRAWING.

I wasn't in a very good mood today, but hanna, kat and haqqan and many others cheered me up. :>

I'm kind of confused now. But i think i'll get over it in a while.
Finally relieved of my piano duties. Whoa, HAPPY. :>

2010-06-28T04:55:00.000-07:00

School was boring. Like whoa.

Went to school with a heavy head. Sleepyness + Headache. Had attire check. Got caught for not putting on my nametag and my BLACK EARRINGS. PLEASE, They're already black, be thankful they're not the bright green ones i wore last term. Thank God teacher didn't care much and asked me to sit down. New timetable. Now i have to take art, design and technology. Whoopee. -sarcastic look-

Had PC lesson till 3 today. Was very tired, but still went out.

Well, this week's gonna be a long long week. Lessons and ccas almost everyday. Okay, i shall go and kill myself now.

Since you don't even care about how i feel, i won't too. Don't blame me for being heartless or cruel. You asked for it. I may act dumb about certain things, but that doesn't mean i don't know. Do you think its so easy to pluck that thorn out from my heart?

2010-06-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

I miss my holidays. I miss youth camp. I miss the fun and laughters we all shared.
I want to be a kid. I want to play on the swings.
Saturday:
Went out with nat, char, whit and jenn! :> Daddy sent me to lotone interchange at 11 plus. Jenn called me to say she was going to be late so i went to cotton on to shop hahah. Bought a blouse, dress and a pair of sandals! (Y) Jenn and whitney came to join me while waiting for nat and char. Mrt-ed to Causeway point. Laughed alot hahah. :> Ate at pastamania. Gave jenn half of my pasta and she finished it all whoa. Nat took pictures:) Went shopping again after that. Bought a necklace. :> Went to more than words and saw something. We bought it for someone hahah. Whitney left and we mrt-ed back to lotone. Jenn and i bought rings. :> shopped for awhile before going back to yewtee for tuition.

Sunday:
Stayed up late the previous night so woke up at 8.30. Prepared for church and daddy fetched me there. Had treasure hunting! :> Grouped with nat and whitney! We followed this auntie till sunshine place there. Bought bubble tea before going back to church. Saw daddy's car so asked him to drive us back. :> Poor mr choo, walked back himself because there was no more space left in the car. Had debrief. Nat left aft that. Service was okay. Had terrible headache. Well, here i am now.

I miss you alot alot. ):

I MISS EVERYTHING AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! ):

Shut up.

2010-06-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

I'm in great agony.
God, HELP.

I want to go shopping. Buy loads of clothes. Maybe that'll cheer me up. or not.

HELP?

2010-06-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

This few days, i've been crying while playing christians songs on the guitar.

I'm feeling a mix of emotions now. (something like that)

Youth camp's over. I don't want to go back to school. How i wish youth camp was just tomorrow. All that eagerness and excitement about the youth camp ended last tuesday. And last wed and thur, were two of the best days of my life. We had lots of fun and laughter. Oh God, i so want another one.

Well, going to spend the last few days of my holiday meaningfully.

I love my blog song. It made me cry buckets. Enjoy it.

I still miss youth camp. ):

2010-06-21T05:03:00.001-07:00

I get really afraid when i don't know what you're thinking.
I don't care what they say, i'm in love with you.
They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth.
I'm afraid, really afraid.
I can't take anymore blows.

Well, today was awesome but yes, i'm still missing youth camp BIG TIME. Like why did it pass so fast? It should have been longer, like 5days 4nights? Whoa, that would be the best 5 days of my entire life. Seriously. Maybe we should tell mr choo about this suggestion. Haha, hope he agrees. Okay, back to today.

Went out with nat and charlene today. Met them at lotone mrt station. Mrt-ed to clementi for kbox. We were like the first ones there. Sang some songs. The food, was horrible. My whole mind was filled with, uh, something/someone and i couldn't focuse at all. I waited and waited. And when it finally came, my whole face lit up and i got quite hyper:) left there at 2 then cabbed to jurong east swimming complex. It was closed. Great. Walked back to chinese garden mrt. Took the wrong train. Decided to go back to nat's house to swim. We kind of had fun swimming? And i got my hair wet in the end. Went to lotone then back to nat's house again. Talked about youth camp. Yeah, we should consider extending the camp?

Oh yeah, texted with haqqan today and he gave me alot of advice. Well thanks? And don't emo please, i hate it when you emo. ):

I just hope my birthday wish will come true. (God, please?)

2010-06-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

My eyes hurt like shit now.

I really want time to rewind.
If this continues, i'm afraid i might go crazy.
Sleepless nights.
Been forcing myself to smile through the pain.
Shouted at grandma ytd, because she kept pestering me to eat.
I'm sorry, but i was really in a bad mood ytd.
There was just too much unhappiness and anger bottled up inside of me, waiting for the chance to explode.
I've been getting silly thoughts to hurt or kill myself.
I'm sorry, God.
But i really can't do it.
I won't disobey them, but i'll reason it out with them.
I hope God likes this idea of mine.

2010-06-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

God, why can't you just let me give up.

Why must you make me hold on to this.

Why can't i just accept the fact.

I want to give up too, but i just can't do it. YOU UNDERSTAND?

You make it sound so easy.

It means you don't care at all.

I hate it when you always go back on your words.

I hate it when you say i don't love you at all.

Fine, i did all that to you before, so is this revenge?

Is hurting people what you do best?

I can't do it. I really can't.

If you can do it, congrats.

That means you don't even give a damn about how people feel.

You have feelings, and i do too.

You only know how assume. ASSUME ASSUME ASSUME.

Assume that i don't love you when i don't say it back to you.

Assume that i don't trust you when i ask you further.

Assume that i won't be hurt if you do this.

Tell me, what must i do to make you stop doing this?

Must i kill myself in front of you?

One word from him, and you WAVERED.

WHY?

And i'm not blaming you now.

I'm sorry for saying all this, you were the one who told me to tell you everything.

So here's everything.

2010-06-19T04:06:00.001-07:00

I cried alot today. Especially while playing the 1st verse of song "same power".

I better stop biting myself.
But what can i vent my anger on?
Nobody except myself.

2010-06-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

There is a love that i know.
A strength for the weak and the broken heart.
My shepherd and king, i find you within me.
For you are here.
My Lord forever.
You are here.

Nothing's forever. I knew this would happen. It was just a matter of time. I still can't believe what i heard from mr choo. I tried hard to stay stubborn. Kept saying i trusted you and i knew that you could control yourself. But what really hurt me wasn't him. It was you.

I didn't want to believe him when he said you weren't very trustworthy. I tried hard to defend you. But every single word he said about you, hurt me deeply. I wanted to cry, but had to force myself to blink it back. Why must they do this? I'm tired, really tired. Since torturing me makes you feel better/happier, continue torturing me then. I've got nothing to say. I feel so stupid now. Believing your words, that nothing could break us up. Just an word from him, and you wavered. How do you expect me to believe you again? Lies, all lies.

Youth camp. 16 june-18 june

2010-06-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

Many things happened during youth camp, which made me slow down and think, if i made the right choice.
I'm becoming someone i don't want to be.
I can't take all these blows anymore.
One more time, i think i'm going to go insane.

This, is going to be a very very very long post. So err, happy reading.

It's a MUST READ :)

16062010: Woke up at 7 plus. Daddy brought me to grandma's place. Did some last minute packing before meeting nat, char and whit. Went up to her house, took the ingredients and off we went to meet charlene! We signalled at her to come over, but she thought we were waving at her, and she waved back. LOL. It was raining heavily at that time, so nat's mommie volunteered to fetch us to sunshine then drop the ingredients at kindergarten. Went to sunshine place to get sleeping bags for nat and charlene. Nat's slippers so slippery, she almost fell. Luckily charlene lent nat her slippers. :> Walked to church then went over to the kindergarten to collect the ingredients. Walked over to church again to take our bags. We boarded the bus at arnd one plus. Fetched ambrose and yeeyang along the way. Was chatting with jenn, amelia, char, nat and whit. Reached there, found out that it was the exact same place we went for youth camp last year. Same unit somemore. omg. And yes, i slept in the same room i slept last year. Went down for briefing. Had games! First game about creating something to prevent the egg from breaking when thrown down from 2nd floor. We broke the egg while wrapping it. Yeele gave us another oneand we spent alot of time making a protective layer. And guess what, it still broke. Lucky us, they forgot about the forfeit. :> We went to the beach after that and i got like really wet from all that splashing. FUN! Jenn made dinner after that and we went to play with the swings! Went to disturb her haha. Her sushi and cold noodles were super nice. Had discussion. Screamed and laughed ALOT. haha jk. Whitney so cute, the moment she laugh, i laughed. Then my nai ma saw a super big lizard and shouted. Well, i screamed really loud and ran. Amelia and nat got shocked by my screaming,they also started to scream and run LOL! Discussion ended at 10 plus. Bathed and brushed teeth. Amelia and jenn came to our room and we chatted for awhile. Entertainment session by nat. Omg, all of us laughed really hard:) At arnd 11, mrs choo came in and forced us to sleep. (reluctant) We slept with the lights on haha. Nat stared at me, i stared back, and we laughed :> Charlene sleeps so cute! Well, end of day one.
17062010:
Woke up at 4 plus. The stomach cramps were killing me. Charlene and nat wanted to use the toilet downstairs. (the one upstairs stank. One of the guys had bad aiming) Opened the door, an insect flew into our room. We screamed and hid under our sleeping bags. Called nai ma to wake up at arnd 5. She came into our room and we chatted again. :> Jenn told us jason and ambrose were downstairs, so we went down. Chatted with them in the dark(we didnt switch on the lights). We got hungry, so decided to go disturb the guys. The door was open anyway. Nat sat outside the door haha. But in the end, someone came to close the door. At arnd 7, they woke up to make breakfast. (like finally) Didnt eat much. Went for morning exercise after that and we played poison ball! :> Had worship after that then discussion. We started cooking lunch at 11. The kitchen was like super messy. The soup was a success but the fried rice had no taste. Added lots of soya sauce to it. Whoa. There was not enough rice for everyone. (Oops) Sorry Mr Choo. Haha, he ate bread with pork floss and mayo for lunch. Got pissed, so ate 2 sticks of ice cream to cool down. Went for treasure hunt at pasir ris park! Found the man we were looking for. Weixiao and whit talked to him while nat char and i went to play! It was super fun. Went back to the chalet. Haha bought green tea, then ate ice cream. (again) Played with the swings again! And got alot of mozzie bites. Prepared for the bbq. The guys were outside starting the fire while we sat inside, doing nothing. :> Fed joy together with nat and amelia during the bbq. She so cuteee! :> Nat took lot of unglam photos of her eating. Then the parents arrived and we did a skit on joy. Got pissed off by jonas. Wanted to play basketball but he snatched the ball away. Went to bathe after they left. Nat and whitney kept me inside the room and gave me entertainment. They gave me a surprise and yes, i'm touched. :> Got smeared with cake by yeele and nat. LOL, me and nat were like fighting. And -kabish-, she slammed her cake into my face. Hahah washed it off after that. Had discussion again. LAUGHED AGAIN. It was just too hilarious. Esp when i saw whitney laugh. Haha! Nat had severe gastric pain. Scooped chicken soup for her but the pain got worse and she cried. I was like super scared. Cooked cup noodles for her. Nai ma helped to boil the water. :> We prayed for her after that. She got better, thank God:) Continued with discussion till 1 plus before going back to our room. Wanted to chat with them again but couldn't. They were waiting for me to go back but i took quite a long time so they decided to sleep first. Came back after one hour and we continued chatting. Slept at 4 plus.

18062010:
Woke up at 7.30 so skipped morning exercise. Ate bread with nutella and ice cream! :> Chatted with them on the bus ride home.

Youth camp passed so fast.

I have to be prepared for the worst.

2010-06-15T05:04:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this because of jenn who called me and asked why i didn't post:)

I went out with a 美女 today. Had fun tickling each other. Went for math tuition after that. Pythagora's theorem. Err. yea.

YOUTH CAMP! TMR!!!! SEE YOU GUYS TMR! :)

2010-06-14T04:56:00.000-07:00

Went out with nat whitney amelia and jenn to buy the ingredients for camp! (Y)

Bus-ed to lot 1 at arnd 10 plus and met whitney. Called nat to come down and we went to food junction to makan. I ate fried carrot cake. (L) And yes, i got the strawberry bread today. (shit) Nat was tempting me with her f&n grape drink. Talked and laughed alot:) Bus-ed to bpp after that. Met amelia and jenn and off we went shopping at daiso and ntuc. Jenn and amelia spent like $40 plus there, whoa. We only spent $16 plus. :> Train-ed back to lot1 then bought ingredients for the soup. The things were like damn heavy. Slacked at mac. Nat and i bought the HAPPY MEAL :) Laughed alot and my tray dropped. Nat saved my toy in time haha. The man who got hit by my curry sauce was super pissed. Amelia helped me to clean the floor while nat provided the tissues. Talked till like 4 then went to cotton on. Sad, i'm dead broke. Parted with amelia and went to nat's house with jenn. Jenn broke her carton of eggs and we cooked them. Used comp before going home with jenn.

YOUTH CAMP! I'm all packed. (:

My head's spinning like crazy so i'm going to rest now. bye.

2010-06-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

I seriously need help from God.

YOUTH CAMP! (Y) Meeting jenn first before going to meet the others at church :>
My eyes are still puffy and swollen. (kind of)

I can't take any of this anymore. One more time, i swear i'll go insane.

Bit myself ytd. At least the teethmarks are not so obvious now.

2010-06-13T05:16:00.000-07:00

Crying does make me feel better.
Well, at least i don't feel so bad now.
God seems to be playing a trick on me.
Perhaps he wanted me to cherish you more.
I love you.

Today was awesome. I laughed alot.
Reached at 8 plus then practised piano.
Had worship, nat and i were laughing our asses off at someone:)
Walked back to church with nat, and again, we were laughing.
Watched a video, me and nat laughed.
Youth camp, laughed somemore.
Service, we laughed like nobody's business. HAHAHA.
Nat and whitney, bladder full, so went to toilet in the middle of service.
Pastor choo saw them, and yes, they got scolded.
UNFAIR LEH, the ah ma(s) and another pastor were allowed to go.
Well, today's service was awesome. (maybe)
Went home.
Something happened.
Cried.
Now my eyes are puffy and swollen.
Tomorrow going out with nat amelia whitney and jenn to get the ingredients. (Y)
I must make myself happy tomorrow.
YOUTH CAMP. (:

2010-06-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

Went out at 3 plus ytd. Daddy was on leave and i had trouble getting out of the house.

We had a tickling war. Unfair, he was so much stronger.

Changed gender, he became my 美女 sister :>

He asked me why i liked to lean on his back more than his shoulder.

Well, i like your back better. Haha.

Went home at 6 plus then went for service.

Was using facebook all the time. (Oops)

I love daddy's phone. I'm going to bring it to tuition and use it. (maybe)

Bye.

2010-06-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

In a bad mood today.

2010-06-10T04:59:00.000-07:00

I won't believe in any of your words anymore. Cus they're all lies. Seriously, you didn't even bat an eyelid when you lied. WOW. How about a great applause for you? Get out of my life, you useless person.

I don't know what to say.

Well, i fed another cat again.

Was angry with someone today but kept quiet.

Gritted my teeth and smiled through the pain.

Quit asking, i won't tell you anything at anymore.

You useless person.

I must have been blind to trust you.

2010-06-09T04:56:00.000-07:00

YOUTH CAMP! Oh God, i'm so excited. Well, i bet nat's happier cus she gets to kick me off the bed:) *HEE-YAH!* quoted by her hahahahah.

Today was awesome ttm.

Took bus to lot one and bought a blouse and jacket :>

Wanted to take 975 home, but it took like ages to come so i decided to walk home. Well, wonderful workout.

Walked all the way to sunshine place to buy bubble tea for xuan.

Rushed home to rest before going out again.

Someone gave me a big shock when i came out of the lift and i screamed. RAPIST HOR YOU. (:

We fed 3 lucky cats today with the cat food we bought from the mama shop. (:

Talked and laughed and for once, we didn't quarrel. WHOA.

Leaned on his back. (:

Changed personalities and i got freaked out. (He really did act like me, EXACTLY THE SAME WAY, -laugh-)

Well, great day for me. Thank GOD (:

Bye.

2010-06-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

All thanks to my beloved sister, i have to wake up early again. -yawn-

I want to go shopping. My hands are like itching to touch the handles of a shopping bag. I was even dreaming of shopping ytd. Yes, i'm going crazy and broke already.

YOUTH CAMP! Having dilemma on what to cook leh.

2010-06-08T04:25:00.001-07:00

For once, i wished we never grew up.

I'm back. And whoa, i discovered something BIG today:)

Today was awesome though i ate alittle too much, thanks to somebody who forced me to eat. -laughs-

Well, it was fun and i enjoyed it alot. I poured everything out, whatever that was troubling me over the past few days. Chatted and played till i forgot about the time. One of the best days of my life:)

My mind's been filled by YOUTH CAMP. <3

Sleepless night.

2010-06-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

Don't walk into my life if you intend to leave me.

Couldn't sleep yesterday. -yawns-

At least i don't have to wake up early to go to school anymore. :> Well, gotta rush to somewhere now so bye.

YOUTH CAMP:)

2010-06-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

I used to ask him, "Kor kor, can i have a lollipop please?" -toothless grin- The way he ruffled my hair, laughing then bringing me to the nearest mama shop to buy it. Well, it's all gone now.

I'm stressed and mrs ching's making me go back to school tomorrow for her math unsw lessons. I am supposed to be enjoying life now, but this word "lesson" came and took it away from me. I seriously need to hit something now. And yes, it's the wall. Well, tomorrow is the last day i'm ever going back to school for lessons during this june hoilday. Even if there's lessons after that, i ain't going back.

YOUTH CAMP, i'm soooooo excited. :>

2010-06-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

Youth camp, faster come.

I can't stand this feeling anymore.

I'm stressed, super stressed, yet i can't tell anyone about it.

Keeping it bottled up inside is extremely painful. That excruciating pain is too hard for me to bear.

I hate you.

I'm looking forward to youth camp. In the same group as nat charlene and whitney:)

I'm also looking forward to the cooking. I soooo want to cook! :> Shall go and learn from grandma!

Bye

2010-06-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

Went for friday service yesterday. Projector spoilt so we sang without the lyrics on screen.

Woke up at 8 plus today. Ate breakfast, watched tv.

I want to go shopping.

I'm so freaking stressed out. Save me please.

FTW.

I want to cry tomorrow.

Well, at least the picture above made me laugh.

2010-06-04T03:36:00.000-07:00

I'm disappointed, really disappointed. Well, nothing i can do.
Perhaps, i should just kill myself, so you won't be hurt by me anymore.
Sometimes, i really got this urge to give up on you. But i chose to not to do it.
I'm sorry, but i don't think i can take it anymore.
You just don't know how much stress i'm facing now.

2010-06-03T23:02:00.000-07:00

TAG ME PLEASE PEOPLE:)

2010-06-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

Went out today. Well, at the beginning, i pissed him off and i ran away a few times. I hope you're not angry. Haha, what a AMAZING discovery i made today. -laughs-

Cramps are back and it's killing me.

Get out of my life, bitch.

2010-06-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

Just leave me alone please. Well, it never rains but pours.

I've been tolerating you for so long. I seriously hate hypocrites like you. Double-faced bitch. So what if you're rich or pretty or whatsoever? Last time, i disliked you. Now, i hate you. Stop acting nice in front of us please. -look of disgust-

Well, not going to let some bitch ruin my mood.

Dead.

2010-06-02T04:43:00.000-07:00

God likes to make fun of people like me.

Daddy fetched me and sis to school today morning. I was yawning away in the car. Reached school, kat told me she lost her phone. Some woman took her phone away by using witchcraft. Well, God will punish her, so don't worry so much:) Bus-ed to lot one with her after eng unsw lesson and we went to..yes, cotton on :> Grandma gave me $50 for my birthday and i spent it all in there. WOW. However, there's this jacket that i really want but it costs like 5o bucks. Quit dreaming about it, michelle. Went back to school after that for math unsw lessson. Mrs Ching forgot all about our class and we ended up slacking for the whole lesson. Kat went home after that and i went for dance. The new instructor's a guy, and yes, he's not GAY! :> Grazed my knees because of the rough floor. Alene junior gave me kit-kat:) I love her. Rushed home after dance and went out with him again. Urgh, my head hurts like shit now.

Daddy and Mommie's going out for the night and will be back late. Well, it means FREEDOM for me. :> I'm ready to sleep at midnight today.

What if

2010-06-01T04:48:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking, what if all this was just a joke?
I dare not think of the ending.
Thanks for it, but i don't think i'll wear it as i don't want any suspicions.
I'm sorry.
I want to trust you wholeheartly, but there's like a barrier stopping me from doing that.
I'll have to overcome this problem myself, only till then, i can face you.

I LOVE YOU.

2010-05-31T23:12:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm bored, there's nothing to do so i'm posting again.

The bracelet you gave me, i don't know whether i should wear it or not.
Well, i hope to lean on your shoulder again:)
That feeling was indescribable. I regretted not leaning longer.

Well, i learnt how to cook onion omelettes and beansprouts today. :> I"M LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUTH CAMP.

ILY.

I may/may not change to use contact lenses.

Life's unfair.

2010-05-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

I seriously want to cry on someone's shoulder now.

Back from eng unsw lesson. Urgh, i'm dead beat.

Couldn't sleep for the whole of last night.
Was thinking about alot of things.
It was only until sunrise when i fell into a deep sleep.
Sadly, the father came and woke me up as i had lessons at 8.
And i have to wake up this early for the whole of this week.
Whose fault is that?

-Me for working too hard and then getting selected to take part in exams, which i don't even want to take. And they expect us to give up our holidays just to go back for lessons. Plus, i don't get LEAP points for that.

-Or, the school, for selecting me for these exams and hence, making my holidays miserable? The cca teachers for making me go back for dance practice? Mrs ching, for making the whole class go back for math supplementary when many of us already have extra math unsw lessons? The principal, for making unsw compulsory for selected students?

Conclusion: My fault. Life has always been unfair anyway.

Agony

2010-05-31T04:51:00.000-07:00

Many things happened today. They're not exactly happy things though.

Went out in the afternoon with him then we started walking arnd void decks. I didn't expect you to take things so seriously. If i knew, i wouldn't have said it. Because of my bluntness, i ended up chasing him up the stairs of a carpark, storey after storey, despite my stomach cramps. It got worse after that. I got acrimonious when he tried to hold me tight, so told him to leave me alone for awhile. He still followed me. I continued to run. Shortly after, i ran out of breath. I stopped and turned to look for him, but he was nowhere. Decided to go home. On the way home, i saw him. He was with his friends. He saw me too, then called my name. His friends, all turned to look at me. They must have been thinking to themselves, why did he fall for this bitch. (me) I looked at him briefly before walking away. Walked to the void deck then rested. After a while, i asked him where he was. Instead of me looking for him, he came for me. I felt this urge to hug him, but that urge disappeared fast. We walked arnd again. I kept pushing him to walk in front of me. I was in agony because of the stomach cramps. He noticed that i wasn't like myself then forced me to sit down to rest. On the way home, again i forced him to walk in front of me. He didn't want to as he was afraid i would faint halfway. Before i reached home, i asked him, "Are you okay?" He said "idk." I walked up the stairs and he walked down. I regretted not chasing after him.

Well, what's done cannot be undone. I don't expect you to forgive me. :'( I'm sorry.

2010-05-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm giving up. Throwing in the towel. Putting up the surrender flag. Letting you kill me without defending myself.

The conclusion: I'm giving up on you.

Somehow, when you don't have feelings for him anymore, you won't feel awkward when you see him.

2010-05-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday was awesome. :> Took mrt to church myself and practised piano for awhile. Mr choo said i'm becoming like jenn alrd. Had worship and dicussion before going for breakfast with nat, charlene, jenn, amelia, ambrose and grace. Ate roti prata again:) The auntie in front of nat and me was super fussy wth. Well, nat scolded the auntie under her breath and i think the man heard it then finally nat got her roti prata hahah. Service, FUN. :> went down early to change into short pants then lunched. Ate char kway teow. (Yeap, sooner or later i'll will become fat hahah.) Chatted with nat then laughed too much till the chopstick dropped and stained my WHITE shirt. Everybody was laughing i tell you. Haha nat lent me her water bottle and tissues, (3 pieces to be exact) to wipe the stain away. TYVM! :> Enqi slowpoke, everybody waiting for him hahah. Well, nat so cute. :> When she wanted to tap her card to go in, her card no money. I pei her to top up. Then when she entered, she dropped all her coins. She screamed, someone else screamed also:) Not me hor ! I became very hyper after that hahah! The mrt ride was super long. Reached raffles place then walked to minds cafe. And up the escalator, nat was singing the doraemon theme song hahah. Sat down then started to play! :> Started with uno stacko. Nat and charlene got forfeit. We forced nat to tell the china guy that he was handsome. Hahah super funny! After two rounds, we switched to another game (forgot what it's called le). Alot of hand slapping hahah. Ordered dinner at 5. Ate roast beef pasta :> Yaoguang and yaoyang came at that time. Played another game after that and when they asked for a four-letter word insult for F , i said F*** out loud and yes, everybody was laughing again. Haha the purple colour long soft toy so cuteee , you actually can sqeeze its stomach and it will sqeak! Charlene sqeezed it accidentally then we all laughed really hard. And guess what, i got the hiccups. -_- Enqi told me to hold my breath but it didn't work. I went to toilet many times. @.@ and yes, i know my bladder super small. :> Nat tried to scare me but the hiccups didnt go away. Urgh, having hiccups is very xin ku. On the mrt, i felt like vomitting then emo-ed. Sorry if i offended anyone. Luckily for me, there were seats on the next train we took. Thank God:) Reached lot 1 then nat had to go, she told whitney to protect me hahah see she so good :> Walked home with amelia:)

The must-haves for this june holiday:

-Go WWW with the nat charlene and whitney! (when we don't have our______of course)

-Go on another youth outing! This one must go for whole day hahah. :>

-Go shopping.

-SUPER-DUPER FUN YOUTH CAMP! (I hope i don't get _____ during youth camp)

-Spending time with dear friends.

Chill okay? I'll be your listening ear, just like the old times. However, there are some things which i cannot do with you anymore. You're my brother and nothing will change the fact. I'm sorry but i have to draw the line. I'll see you tomorrow then.

2010-05-29T04:03:00.000-07:00

GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

2010-05-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

I hate my life. See that red little sad face among those yellow smiley faces? That's me.

2010-05-27T20:51:00.001-07:00

I'M SO BORED. -yawns-

Went shopping early in the morning and no, i'm not crazy. Bought a blouse and bag. :> I SO WANT AN IPHONE. Haqqan has one now and he's trying to tempt me with it. WTH. Well, i'm kinda looking forward to sunday, cos there is youth outing!

2010-05-26T17:36:00.001-07:00

He's coming back:)

~~I'm just minutes away from going to the PTM with the parents. God bless me . :>~~ I'm back ! Lucky me, i got no complaints:) Got 2nd in class, and yea -high fives kat- And miss lim said i'm top 5 in whole level? @.@ OMG. Well, thank God :> Miss Lim talked to my parents about my earrings and yes, i'm banned from wearing colourful earrings to school alrd. She also said i was chatty due to the influence of kat. And my conduct was excellent and i'm a role model student?! Seriously WTH. I was drinking water at that time and i almost spit it into miss lim's face -gives sheepish look- Even my father doubted me. Haqqan's parents went before mine and before he left, he called me a noob. -sticks tongue out at him- Went to pass a form to mrs liew and then saw him. Took revenge :>

First week of school holidays, i'm packed. Eng unsw and math unsw lessons + 3 whole hours of dance. SHIT. On the bright side , i'm only going back to school for the first week. :B

2010-05-26T04:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like shutting myself out from the world .
All that pain and unhappiness , it's just too hard having to bottle it all up inside .
I want a hug from you .
I want my 12 hours sleep .
I don't want to go for dance during the holidays . (Even though there's only one cca session for the whole holiday )
And yes , fml , i've have to go back to school for math unsw and eng unsw . WTH .

However , there are also things i'm looking forward to .
-The youth camp in the third week :>
-Helping to paint CGM :>
-If i'm selected by pastor choo , i may need to attend a chinese camp to teach the primary school kiddies i think .
-Shopping !
-Youth outings probably ?
-Learning how to cook from grandma . :>

School was okay today . Well , i wasn't feeling very well . ILY .

2010-05-25T05:03:00.000-07:00

You forced me into this , don't regret if something happens .

2010-05-25T00:34:00.000-07:00

Don't force me to do things i don't like . I didn't text you just now because my phone died k . And the charger's at home and i only reached home at 7+ . Please , don't jump to conclusions .

Slacked in school today . I was either sleeping while listening to music or talking . B-O-R-I-N-G . ZZZ . Sat outside the classroom with kat . Went to lot 1 with her today . And we both went crazy as cotton on was having a sale ! :> Haha woman , we better go shop like mad ladies this friday:) Well , hanna decided to help me save money and she asked me for macdonalds instead of pizza:) I ate alot for today , oh shit . Oh well , going to start fasting . :>

23052010 :
Oh and i went to warren for rachel and xiuhui's b'day party last sunday:) Left the house at 5+ and went up to nat's house . I saw Aunty susy in the function room and i was like "Oh shit , forgot to buy xiuhui's present !" Chiong-ed to lot 1 to buy . The pooh bear so cuteee :> Went back to warren and joined the praise and worship . We sneaked out halfway through . Jonas , wanted to go up to yeeyang's house then asked us to pei him . Nat and i didn't want to . Jenn wanted to:) Haha joking ! But seriously i think she really wanted to . :> Ate dinner then took lots of mayonnaise covered prawns . Went to play after that . Ran alot , and got pissed by some people . Well , i ~~swear~~ vow(changed it for the sake of jenn) never to have children next time:)

2010-05-24T04:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry , really sorry . And since i didn't have time to say it to you today , i'll do it now then . I LOVE YOU .

I don't feel like going to school tomorrow at all . Like what's the point of going already ? We don't even have lessons . And i seriously don't have the mood to study already .
-I have parents who scold and nag at me every single day .
-I miss him so much , but we can't see each other very often . Well , i'll go emoing then .
-School's tiring me out alot and i don't want to wake up at 6 .
-I worry about everything .
-My eyes are swollen and red , and yes i'm blaming the tears .

Today was okay and i went out after pei-ing kat and hanna for the idol auditions . Again , i felt very weak and my whole body was super cold to the touch . Sorry for everything . I know i've hurt you deeply and i promise i'll make it up to you . Well , going to lock myself up in my room already . Bye .

I LOVE YOU .

2010-05-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

Since you broke yours , why should i bother keeping mine ? Blame nobody else but yourself .

2010-05-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

God's love for us never fails .

Lies , they are all lies . I can't take this anymore or i'm going to do things that i never dared to do . Well , i'll avoid you then .

Friday :

School was okay . I had a good time playing and talking with him again:) And i'm okay now , thanks for your texts , it really did help me alot:) Was bored during math lesson so drew smiley faces and wrote "haqqan sucks" on his hand with my PERMANENT MARKER when he was sleeping teehee . He woke up , saw the drawings on his hand , expected him to hit me but he didn't . "I don't hit girls" was what he said . -__- Instead , he was laughing then showed razi and hanna what i wrote . Okay weird . He covered his arm and went to the toilet to wash it off . When he came back , i decided to piss him off again:) Drew on his shirt haha ! This time , he took my ruler , told me to stretch out my hand , and hit me while saying "Naughty girl ah you . Next time don't be so bad" . I was laughing though:) Got back my history and MT results . Had sport's day . Congrats to hanna and kat for their medals ! :> Daddy fetched me home at 6.30 and we went to church after dinner . Well , slept downstairs again and it was awesome . :>

So my results for the MYE :

English : Not sure .

Maths : A1

MT : A1

Science : A2

History : A1

Geography : A1

Satisfied and happy :>

2010-05-20T05:04:00.000-07:00

Tired , really tired . I don't know what to do with myself now . I see no point in crying over him . Well , nothing is forever in this world . I just have to get ready to face this cold and cruel world myself , alone . And i know i've never told you , that i love you , now it's all too late .
Sometimes , i feel like hugging you tightly , never letting go . I don't know how to hold you , but i want to .

Hanna , i love you for signing kat up for CCKSS idol:) I felt really empty today . Got back my results for geog ,math and sci . Got 64/70 for math , 51/60 for geog and 73/100 for sci . As i walked up to receive my paper , i forced myself to smile . I wanted to laugh and jump for joy but then i realised i couldn't . For the whole morning and afternoon , i was waiting . Waiting , waiting . I felt so weak , i slept through the whole of PE . I don't know what's happening but i HATE YOU .
Perhaps i should stop doubting you and trust you wholeheartly , but i just can't do it . I'm sorry . Well , i can't do anything anyway . Be angry for all you want . And i know you'll be reading this .

2010-05-19T04:35:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously exhausted from all that waiting . I detest that feeling . You just don't know . Well , all i can do now , is to just reply "nothing:)" when you ask me what's wrong , give you a quick hug , run home , crawl into my bed and cry my heart out . I'm sorry , but..forget it .

Today was okay . Well , my old friend came back again and again , trying to harass me . I fell to its tricks and got myself all stressed up and moody . MOODY is a word that appears so often in my posts nowadays , that i think you guys are getting bored already . Look at me , what am i ?
Just a miserable , pathetic failure . Stop doing to me please . I can't take it anymore . I HATE YOU . And now i hate you more for making me say i hate you . Perhaps , i should just let go . YES , LET GO OF YOU . Perhaps , after letting go , i won't feel so stressed up , everyday , just waiting for you . Waiting for it , is like waiting for rain in a drought , useless and disappointing . I want you to get out of my life , but somehow , i just can't do it . I'm doomed , so doomed . Dropped into a hole so deep , i can't crawl out of it anymore . LIES , they are all lies .

Nothing much to say , my head's hurting like crazy and i can't sleep at all .

2010-05-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

TIRED . @.@

The ICT lessons are killing me . The computer keeps lagging . -__- And i spent the whole morning and afternoon being harassed by my old friend again . Ate at macdonalds with kat and hanna . Walked to bus stop with hanna before rushing home:) Went out again .

I don't know what has gotten into me .

2010-05-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

SEZAIRI SEZALI WAS IN MY SCHOOL ! Hanna got autograph and a photo with him .

ICT lessons , waiting for someone .
Oral lessons , counting down .

Went home , freshened up before going out . Walked around in void decks while playing truth or dare . Forced someone to eat instant noodles . Yes , i love the way you hug me , happy now ? Sorry but my old friend ain't going away so fast . I felt very weak that's why i kept pushing you away , wanted to faint , but told myself i couldn't do it in front of you . There's nothing you can do , since the hurt already been made . But , i still love you . Well , i'm not going to apply ointment or eat medicine , even though i'm having fever now . Guess that makes you happier .

2010-05-16T03:58:00.001-07:00

Stop your lies please . I wont trust you anymore . Well , its too late for regrets .
I'm so sick of your "i thought this , i thought that" .
I'm tired , really tired .
Fine , i don't want anything now , will that do ?!
Sometimes , i really have to let go .
If you're reading this , i'm sorry but i'm really tired .

I'm gonna shop like some crazy lady tomorrow . GREAT DEPRESSION . SHEESH .

2010-05-16T00:18:00.000-07:00

When can my old friend stop harassing me .
You won and i don't want to play anymore .

Took mrt then lrt to church today . Had worship . Haha had breakfast with nat , charlene , whitney , ambrose , jenn , jiale and enqi before going for service . Service was okay and i spent most of the time looking at nat's drawing hahas . :> nat and i drank too much green tea and we went to toilet for like 2 times . Benedict keep following us . ZZZ . Well , got bullied by him . Now stuck at home with nothing to do . Kill me please .

Well , the dare's still on .

2010-05-15T04:24:00.000-07:00

I hate your guts , oh and i hate the whole of you too:)

Today didn't turn out well and yes , my old friend moodiness came back and i was moody for the whole day . It's going to be hard chasing it away again . Well , God , are you trying to make a fool out of me ? Just stop this please .

2010-05-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i can't help but think that you're lying . Everything you said , are all lies .

Slept at 12+ yesterday and got woken up at 9 by daddy to go to have breakfast with grandma and grandpa . @.@ Daddy brought us to crystal jade and ordered my favourite xiaolongbao . <3
Walked around after that then went home to prepare for tuition . FML . I want sleep please . If not my old friend "moodiness" will come looking for me again . ( I had a hard time chasing it away ) Well , going to nap awhile so bye .

2010-05-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

I'm finally free from exams . :>

I'm beginning to like maths , and that's a miracle . Math paper was quite easy but sci almost killed me . What's a molecule ?! What's a diatomic(or something) particle/molecule ?! Sheesh .
Math paper ended at 12 , bus-ed to lot 1 with kat and hanna . Bought friendship bracelets . Haha , hanna , belanjar me larh . :> Went to kat's house after that , played guitar then chatted . Haha , then did manicure . I sucked at it . I'm so gonna die tomorrow if miss lim sees my nails . She got super and i mean super sharp eyes . She can even see my green clip , even though i used my hair to cover it .

Sorry for being cold to you today , i couldn't help it .

2010-05-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

Back from MIA . :>

The exams finish tomorrow ! Geog exam was okay and guess what , urban settlement and rural settlement not tested at all . And i stayed up yesterday night till like 11 plus to memorise all that stuff . -__- Well , i hope this week ends soon . Going for worship practise at CGM this thurs . :>

Oh well , the holidays are coming ! :> And there's youth camp , overnight praise and youth outings . I hope , seriously hope with fingers crossed , there will be no supplementary lessons or dance practices . Going for tuition soon bye .

2010-05-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

Friday service yesterday was "good". :>

Using phone all the way to surf the internet . After that , went downstairs , hoping i could sleep . In the end , i didn't . Wished i had stayed upstairs .

LOVE IS A LIE . HAPPINESS IS FAKE . TRUST IS INSINCERE . This thought me not to believe in anyone except myself .

Why should i make myself suffer so much ? Just let go , michelle , you'll feel so much better .

Last retreat , my eyes twitched when the pastor prayed , it's because God is opening my spiritual eyes , letting me to released from any sexual desires . I read this in his book .

Holding on , which singer are you talking about ? If you're returning to your old , COLD self , does it mean i have to make you warm again ?

I should have listened to them . *slaps myself* Why didn't i listen to them ?

2010-05-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

School was okay today and i laughed alot . :> Nothing much to post so bye .

Oh hey , sorry last few days got exam so can't meet and talk . Ermm next wed ba . See you . (:

Well , love is a lie , happiness is fake and trust is insincere . This is very true .

2010-05-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

Really busy nowadays so won't be posting that much till the exams are over . :(
My Goals now :
-Stop saying the f-words and cut down on the damn(s) and shit(s) .
-Get super and i mean super good results so that i won't be grounded during the june holidays by The Parents .
-Learn how to stop crying so easily .
-Learn how to play the melody baby by justin bieber on the piano . Hanna , TEACH ME ! :>
-Learn how to stop being so curious about the pin codes in my phone .

School was awesome today . Eng paper in the morning was difficult . Crushed many pieces of paper . -__- Ate chicken chop during recess with kat and hanna , while studying for history .
History paper was okay and i crushed 2 sheets of paper . After the exam , Hanna went hyper , and started acting girly . LOL , i was laughing really hard . Bus-ed to lot 1 with kat and shopped before going home . I nothing to do , went to fiddle with the pin codes then sim card got locked .
Luckily Daddy brought me to west mall to change the sim card . There goes my $18 . -__- My phone's working well again and i have officially lost all my contacts .

Well , someone tried to force me to say 3 words by not letting the lift door close and in the end , went up with me . I still didn't say those words . Hope that someone's not pissed/angry .
Sorry , won't text you tonight . Will be resting early . Have an early night .

2010-05-02T21:30:00.001-07:00

Help , i'm buried in history notes . Fml .

Today's supposed to be a hoilday , so why am i stuck at home , studying ? -__- Woke up at 9+ the ate breakfast before going to revise for history . @.@ What's so interesting about history ? OMG .

I'm sorry for everything okay . I told you , i can do many things i don't usually dare to do when i'm hyper , but that doesn't mean i'll go overboard . I have my limits also . Well , i'll explain more when we meet .

And to that someone : Stop acting like you know everything . BITCH . Oh and you wear like one also . HAHAHAHAHA .

2010-05-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

Okay quick post , parents coming back soon . Pastor Choo shared about using the comp too much then now the paremts are kind of banning me from slacking and forcing me to study . -__-

I hate it when i don't have the mood to study and they keep forcing me to .

Went to church today . Daddy fetched me to grandma house and i grabbed a packet of gummies before walking to church myself . Reached there , practised piano then did homework . After youth , went for quick breakfast with nat , charlene , whitney , enqi and ambrose . :> Ate two pieces of prata . Yums . Haha , then went back at around 11 to play piano for service . :> Too many fast songs le , my hand cramp . >: Bye .

2010-04-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

Fml . There's seriously something wrong with me this few days . I want my old self back ! ):

Went to church yesterday . Tired , so rested awhile downstairs before going up for worship . I couldn't concentrate at all . Fml . Oh God , i seriously miss the time when i cried during worship at the retreat . Seriously wanted to cry during sermon yesterday , cos i felt so stressed up , all that anger and unhappiness bottled up inside . Tossed and turned in bed last night , couldn't sleep at all . I'm moody once again and sorry , if i give you attitude . I better be hyper on sunday . Well , bye . And yes , i'm currently in GREAT DEPRESSION now .

Well , what happened recently made me realise that i can't trust you anymore . Sometimes , i even wonder , if you're really him or just some random person who is using his phone . Well , that's why i don't say that .

Haha , too depressed till forgot to post about cross country . D: Shall do that now . :>

30042010 : 晴

Woke up at 5.30 then washed up before meeting kat at lot 1 interchange . Omg , super sleepy and i almost fell asleep in the toilet . @.@ Ate chocolate cake for breakfast . :> On the train , everybody squeezed together , thank God i don't take it everyday if not i'll go crazy hahah . Reached there , settled down before running . The run was horrible , terrible , vegetable larh . Slow jogg-ed with hanna at first , then went out of steam , so asked hanna to run first . She's super smart , told me not to sprint at the start of it like how all the sec 1 did . Ran quite long before stopping to rest , while walking . Sprinted at the last few hundred metres then drank 2 cups of milo . Super shiok ahh . :> Kat got 5th position and hanna , 25th . Me ? 51-100th position . I suck at stamina . ): Well , this is how we spent the rest of that afternoon .

Chinese Garden MRT > Jurong East MRT > IMM > West Mall > Lot 1 > Home .

Haha , kat wanted to eat pizza hut , so we mrt-ed to IMM , then walked under the SWELTERING HOT SUN to IMM . And no pizza hut there . Fine . Mrt-ed to bukit batok MRT then walked to west mall . No pizza hut . *Takes deep breath . Shopped awhile before going back to lot 1 , just for pizza hut . In the end , we still had to wait for a table as it was crowded and still waited for a long time for our pizzas . -__- Ate alot . :> Asked for the bill , then left without taking the change . LOL . Crapped alot with kat haha , and yes , i do want to rip off someone's hair . :> Went home after that , rested . The end .

2010-04-30T01:04:00.001-07:00

~~If i've hurt you , i'm sorry.~~ I've hurt you , i'm sorry . I don't know how many sorrys i've said to you but still , i'm sorry .

Just want you to know that i do care and love you . I don't know what has gotten into me the past few days . I flare up at every little thing , its not to you only okay . I even quarrelled with my parents yesterday , over a small matter , then showed attitude to my sister also . Its not that i don't want to meet you today , is just that i feel very inferior . I don't even dare to look at you , face to face . You don't know how i long to see you . I care , but i just don't show it out . If you want me to show it out and say ily in front of everyone , i tell you , i dare to do it . Well , it's all my fault . But i hope you'll tell me whatever that has happened to you . Your fren , told me you were sick , but i didn't know . I'm sorry for not being there for you , not being like other girls . But i'll try . But it'll take time .

2010-04-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

Watched little nyonya yesterday and realise i'm super lucky .

Thank God for not letting me be born in a baba family in the olden times , when girls couldn't go to school , had to learn how to sew bead shoes , cook @.@ and the marriage is like so unfair ?! Hahah , random .

School was awesome . :> Hyper for whole day haha . Went to cotton on with kat today and took alot of silly pics of us wearing sunglasses haha . :> Bus-ed home after that before rushing to CGM for practice . Well , tmr's cross country and i'm crossing my fingers , the sun won't be that hot . :> ahh , i'm tired . bye .

2010-04-27T01:12:00.000-07:00

And this is how we know , that you have loved us first.
And this is how we chose , to love you in return .
I love you , God .
Thank you for not letting me be born during the olden times , when a girl's marriage is decided solely by her father . And when a girl has to learn all that instruments and how to act demure .
Thankyou , thankyou so much .

Okay , super quick update . Gotta zoom for tuition soon . :>

School sucked at first , cus we had surprise english test . Skipped breakfast and recess . Omg , i' so hungry . Then music , super fun and i got wet . Kaiming , poured water on me , haha fish you . Then he kept disturbing me , till i screamed . Haha , then crapped with herman and him , haha , they trying to pollute my mind , in the end , i polluted theirs , telling them what enqi told me the last time the youths went ice-skating heehees . :> Music assessment , i thought we were gonna die flat cus we didn't practise as a group at all , not even once . We were too busy playing . Oops . :l Well , a miracle happened and we actually got an A . Whoa . Amazing . God's grace perhaps , as i prayed before the assessment began . :> Plus , God answered another of my prayers today .

Before lit lesson ,

ME : Oh crap , i didn't bring my literature text again ! Started to pray .

"God , please let the teacher , not check who didn't bring the book today please . Thankyou . Amen . "

Teacher : Class , today we're going to do a summary on chap 3 . Please hand in by the end of the period . Then she sits down and starts to use her comp .

ME : Saved . :> Borrowed book from LV haha and wo bu yao yi sheng xiang xu/qu ? O.O My chinese suck .

Hahah , thankyou thankyou so much . Sci lesson , had unsw exam . Shiok lo , do finish le can go home . :> Well , hanna , if you get into CCKS idol , i'll consider buying a shaver for you . You know what i meant . :> Hahah , plus pizza hut too . So what are you waiting for ? GO JOIN ! :>

Will be burning the midnight oil tonight , memorising all that good sentences for my chinese exam tmr . Hhaha , you're right , don't bother texting me . Going for tuition soon , bye .

2010-04-26T00:34:00.001-07:00

Back from school .

Today was awesome . Hahah , haqqan hyper , make me hyper , then starting talking about disgusting stuffs then laughing . Hahah , hanna pushed me into herman . Thanks alot . -__- Math sucked cos i was yawning all the way and then became mrs ching's target to shoot questions . And yes , i didn't know how to answer as i didn't understand at all . Went to lot 1 with kat today for lunch then went to ntuc to buy something . :> Got a message from him after kat left . Rushed there as fast as i could . Talked alot then something happened , well don't feel like talking about it anymore . Bye . I'm so tired , i think i can fall asleep while thinking how tired i am . Plus , my fingers are hurting from playing the guitar . You can actually see the lines the strings made and the skin that is coming off . Save me please .

Enough is enough . Sometimes , i feel like giving you one hard slap . Well , i ran in the rain again .

2010-04-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

HIHIHI :>

School was awesome . Hahah , gave haqqan fererro rocher . One whole box of it . There goes my money . >: But he gave me quite alot of rochers cos i forced him to , hahah , and don't call me MRS can ? Don't call me sotong also . :> Kat was obsessed with some guy and god , he is super shuai . Hahah kat , don't worry , he's yours . :> Well , they wanted to meet each other today , but i was with her so he didn't dare to come over . Sorry for being the lightbulb heehees .

Went out with someone alone today and we had a good "talk" ? Hahah , well i'm still trying to catch my breath . *Breathes in and out .*

And and someone played the my heart will go on on the piano today ! Hahah , i didn't know how he knew but thanks anyway . :>

2010-04-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

I finally have time to post . Omg , have been mugging really hard for the past few days . Tests almost everyday , and it's zapping all my energy away larh . >:

Latest update of my life :
-Went shopping with nat on tuesday . Well , something happened to me and both of us were laughing really hard . :>
-Had a farewell party for the sec 4 seniors after dance yesterday .
-Played games before bbq-ing then got picked by a junior to dance "Nobody" with her . Hahah , i was laughing the whole time . TEEHEE !
-I hate free dancing . Which means i hate discos .
-Had math test today . And geog test was postponed . Wth . I got myelf stressed up and moody yesterday night for nothing .

Well , bye.

OMG i can't take this anymore . That is the last straw . Just count , how many people hate you already ? Omg , i feel like slapping you . Stop making MORE people hate you can ? You just don't know your mistake , despite being slapped before . I tagged at the blog , i wasn't even talking to you ! I was replying what he was asking me larh . Don't scold people for no reason okay . Omg , you ****** ! Stop acting like you know everything . And don't call my friend fat when you're so much heavier than her . Hers , is bone mass , yours , is PURE FATS ! Get it ? I defended you whenever they complained about you , after they spent one week at the ______ with you . Stop showing off larh . You know the truth why people even reply your messages ?! They didn't even want to reply in the first place , but you were the one who kept sending smses to them , making them irritated and left with no choice , but to reply you . They pity you cus you seem so despo . I lunch-ed with you when everybody in your class hated you . That day , i called you , because someone wanted to tell you something but i stopped him , as i didn't want you to be hurt . If he told you about it through sms or something , its not my problem . I scolded you for calling your group of friends along , because i was afraid you would be embarrassed in front of everyone if he told you that , right in front of your friends . Think , if you were the one who asked me out and halfway through , i called and asked my whole group of friends you don't even know to come , then just ignore you , would you like it ? If i was wrong to scold you , i'm sorry . And i wasn't the only one pissed with you at that time , ________ was VERY pissed with you also , that's why she would rather go to the library alone , instead of staying with you and your friends . You ignored her when you were with your group of friends , you didnt chase after her when she told you she wanted to go to the library and you were the one to ask her out okay . OMG , change your attitude larh . And stop hitting people can ? They're not your punching bags . Continue with that attitude of yours , soon , you'll realise how many friends you'll lose . And , stop being so thick-skinned .

2010-04-19T05:05:00.000-07:00

Back from napfa .

Well , school was okay , and we had napfa test . This is what i got .

Sit ups : 34
Inclined pull ups : 7 , pathetic , yea i know .
Sit and reach : 50 cm
Shuttle run : 11.5 s
Standing broad jump : 170 cm
2.4 km : 17.28 mins . @.@ Hahah , yea i'm a slowpoke .

Took bus 985 to interchange with kat , jonathan , joseph . Hahah , talked random stuffs about kat and _______. :> LOL , sorry ! Shopped at cotton on today and i almost got tempted to buy super cool bangles . Well , bought sweet talk then bus-ed home alone .
Tests and more tests are coming up , and i'm so looking forward to friday , when i can sleep till like 12 in the afternoon . :> The first paper's on 28th April and i'm not prepared . Well , it's up to myself , and i don't think i would be so interested in chinese . Hahah , let the cramming of notes start in a few days time ! Daddy says if he doesn't see me do revision this week , he ain't going to let me out of the house . Hahah , no choice but to study , study and study . Is this torture or torture ? )': Me and books , we don't mix leh . :l Well , today's the last day of slacking and i'm going to work super hard for MYE . Well , i miss you . Goodnight .

I hate you , MOM. Stop poking your head into my business and stop acting like you know everything .

2010-04-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

~~I hate it when you just disappear without a word . Please stop doing this .~~ I hope you won't lie . I hope you aint the guy they warned me about .

Woke up at 7+ then took mrt , lrt to church . Hahah , bought hashbrown . :> Played guitar for worship then had discussion . Went for breakfast with nat , whitney , jenn , ambrose and enqi. Well , the chatting was disgusting hahah. Laughed alot . :> After that went back for duty downstairs . And why do the kids like sitting on my lap ? Hahah , i miss jieyang and jonas ! :> And enting's cousin , was super cute . You know why ? I thought she was smiling , but actually she was crying. Omg , i can't take it when kids cry. Hahah , passed her back to enting after that . Well , no cca this friday ! :> And no unsw training ! Got to go chiong history already. So many things to memorise ! I'm gonna collapse sooner or later .

I miss you so much , yet i can't see you . When can i be in your arms again ? Now , i finally understand the feelings of weaving maid and cowherd . Well , see you soon .

2010-04-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

Just woke up from my 11hrs of sleep. Hahah , it feels real good. :>

And you know what ? I felt so hungry , i ate the whole packet of beehoon + sausage bought by daddy before he left for work , drank a packet of green tea and finished a packet of kokocrunch . Omg . This is so not me .

I've got one regret , but i ain't telling you what isit. And if that's what you call an invitation , you'll be dancing with yourself .

2010-04-16T03:21:00.000-07:00

Well , ily. I said it already horh. :>

School was okay today , but i was super tired . I kept dozing off in class . I wonder , i really wonder , when will i ever get a good night's sleep without nightmares or waking up in the dead of the night and then spending the rest of the time staring at the ceiling . Science test was freaking difficult can . Well , i hope i pass. Dance was awesome , we did another new dance and it's super nice . :> The funniest thing was when one of the sec 1 juniors asked me why was i so quiet and hardly smile in dance . Hahah , i didn't know what to reply her . Went home with another junior , her name is jiaqi i think . She's damn quiet but she's got a nice voice . :> Well , going to church later so bye .

2010-04-15T02:16:00.000-07:00

Disappointed. Don't feel like elaborating already. Bye.

Thanks for cheering me up and sorry about the wet shirt with the tears. And the problem , i'll sort it out by myself , no need to accompany me. Well , thanks for pulling me out of the rain and into the shelter , offering me your sweater. Well , a million thank yous. :> I promise , i'll make it up to you. Anything , just text me. Hahah , see i so good. :)

Sorry for "running away" today. I'm too tired. Physically tired. And sorry about the moodswings. And just to let you know that i do care and love. I just don't show it out okay. I'm sorry.

I'm skipping dinner again. Hahah , sorry but i really don't feel like eating.

2010-04-14T03:26:00.000-07:00

It's too late to regret.

School was okay. :> Haqqan showed me this story "First Kiss" heehees. He said it was his favourite story hahah. It's super sad story k. Well , haqqan's a sadist. Hahah ! :) Well , that silly guy is forcing me to get off the computer and spend time with him so bye.

2010-04-13T05:10:00.000-07:00

I'm deproving , omg. Michelle , faster chiong for math test this thursday ! :l Well , tomorrow's gonna be another night of cramming all that math stuff into my brain again. Hahah , hope there's enough space in there. :>

School was okay and i was trying really hard to keep awake. I want more sleep please. Moodswings and cramps again. Being a girl , that is torture for you. And i got the biggest shock of my life during science lesson. I was selected for the science UNSW. -__- And you know what ? I failed the first test but passed in the second test , which they were using to select the students to take the exam. I was like "WTF?! Why am i selected ? My science suck. " But then i saw my marks then got a big shock. LOL. Went for eng and sci UNSW lessons in the afternoon till 4 then bus-ed home for tuition. Had test and guess what , i left quite alot of questions empty. Teacher was super disappointed then asked me what happened. Hahah , told her i wasn't feeling very well then she allowed me to go home and rest before going back the next lesson to finish the paper. Fml. My body's super weak nowadays and almost fainted at grandma house. Uhh , God , please stop the torture. :l Going to sleep soon , bye.

2010-04-12T02:31:00.001-07:00

This is my 100th post. Well congrats to myself. -__-

If you can see this , get well soon.

School was awesome except for the horrible , painful stomach cramps. :( And i hate home econ ! Now , i have to spend the whole night doing that design brief. I want to practise guitar ! And yes , i'm a computer klutz and i don't even know how to construct a simple table. ICT lessons? Nah , i wasn't paying attention hahah. And i just spent my money on coloured paper and pens for the design brief. Mrs Chan better give me an A for that or else , i'm gonna strangle her. Hahah jk , but i'm sure i'm gonna do something nasty heehees. :> Well , got 25/30 for my math test and it sucks. Bye then.

2010-04-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

Back from church.

I want youth outing again ! :> Hahah exams are coming and i'm not prepared. Well , gotta mug hard from now on . Church was okay. Hmmm didn't do much. And yeele's electric guitar rocks ttm ! Hahah had a nice time playing it. OH AND I SO WANT ONE NOW. The sound's super nice :> And he said he's gonna help me get a pink one for free i think. Yippee !

Well , they're quarreling and i'm super afraid. Michelle , you better don't cry.